


Gone are the days of Wine and roses

by Lizzyboo



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Amazingphil - Freeform, Angst, Daniel Howell - Freeform, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Jealous Dan, M/M, but like... i think they will be fine, in my opinion, kind of unhealthy relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-18 22:21:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11300022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lizzyboo/pseuds/Lizzyboo
Summary: Dan knew it had to happen eventually. And logically, he knew it was his fault. He was the one who broke it off between them all those years ago. He didn’t expect Phil to be single forever, not really. But he also kind of expected to move on himself by the time Phil would start dating.------------------or the one where Phil starts seeing a girl and Dan understands that maybe he still has feelings for him.





	Gone are the days of Wine and roses

**Author's Note:**

> so... this was based on a prompt on tumblr that asked me to write somthing based around the song Ativan by Atlas Sound.  
> so i listen to the song and kind of wrote something loosely based on what I felt the song was about.  
> so, anon, I know this is probably not what you wanted, but I hope you like it anyway!:)

Dan knew it had to happen eventually. And logically, he knew it was his fault. He was the one who broke it off between them all those years ago. He didn’t expect Phil to be single forever, not really. But he also kind of expected to move on himself by the time Phil would start dating. 

And maybe it was unfair of him to feel that way, but he always took comfort in the fact that he was the one to break up with Phil. Because he knew that Phil still loved him. He didn’t even try to hide it that much. 

Dan knew that if he wanted, he could have him back at any time, because Phil was in love with him, and when it came down to it, he would forgive him. Not that he wanted him back, but sometimes Dan was selfish, especially with people who allowed him to be. He wanted to know that Phil was still his, even if he wasn’t Phil’s in return. 

So Dan would go on dates, and he would fuck people, and he would never start something serious because he would say that he just didn’t want a relationship right now. And Phil would always be there the day after, offering him coffee and anime and comfort.

And maybe sometimes he would feel a little guilty, but mostly he felt content. Because he could lay his head on Phil’s chest when he felt like it, have him play with his hair and talk to him in his nice voice, but he could still be free. And honestly, after the mess that was their attempt at a romantic relationship, he really didn’t think it was worth it to try again. 

But logically he knew that one day Phil would move on. He knew that he couldn’t expect him to be there forever, waiting for him to come home after a night with a stranger, offering coffee and anime and comfort like always. 

So it shouldn’t have come as such a surprise when Phil started seeing her. 

They met in a cute way. She just moved to London and got lost in the city, asking strangers for direction. And Phil, being the nice person that he was, saw her straggling and offered to show her the way. Obviously, he had no sense of direction and just got them both lost even more. 

Phil was laughing when he told the story to Dan that evening, cheeks a little red because they decided to open up a bottle of wine, and Phil was always a lightweight. 

Dan laughed too, because Phil’s laugh was kind of contagious and he just finished his third glass of wine and started to feel a little effected himself. 

But the next day, when he notice that Phil spent a lot of his time smiling at his Phone and texting instead of listening to Dan rant about his dying bonsai tree, he wasn’t laughing anymore. 

“Who are you texting? All your friends are in this room,” Dan said in a teasing way, even though he felt like he knew the answer. 

Phil’s face flushed a little and he put his phone down. “I have other friends,” he said instead of answering Dan’s question. 

“Is it that girl from yesterday?” Dan asked, trying to make himself sound casual. 

“Eva, yes,” Phil answered. He looked kind of worried for a second before adding, “I kind of asked her out.” 

“Oh.” 

“Yeah.” 

Why did it feel like his heart just got squeezed to hard by an imaginary fist?

“Well, good for you! It really is about time you got laid,” Dan said with a wink. Because, really, what could he say? He was the one to end things. He was the one who didn’t want a relationship. 

“Don’t be crude,” Phil said, rolling his eyes. 

 

And, well, it all kind of went from there. 

Apparently, Phil was not looking to get laid. Or, he probably did, but he also was looking for a relationship. 

And it was all very understandable. He was 30, single, with financial security. It was time for him to move on to the next stage in life. To move on from Dan. 

Because Dan didn’t want him like that, he didn’t. 

Except maybe he did.

Because when your best friend comes home from a date and tells you he had a great time, you really not supposed to feel like you’ve been cheated on. You really not supposed to have a rock in the size of your fist sitting in your chest and making you feel like you can’t breathe.

And it was all a good thing. Because now they both could move on. And yeah, he’ll admit it stung when he tried to put his head on Phil’s shoulder when they were watching a movie, only to have him pull away and say that he wanted to make himself a cup of tea. But he could understand it. And he refuse to admit to himself that he was that selfish. That now, when Phil had someone else, he suddenly wanted him back. 

And Eva was great. She was nice and pretty and very fun to hang around with. And she had really soft looking hair. And Dan knew that her hair probably felt better in between Phil’s fingers then his did. 

And she listened to everything Phil said with such an interest. Because he was interesting, and he deserved to be listened to. And she would play with his hair as well, and he would close his eyes and push himself a little towards her fingers and she would laugh and say that he was like a cat. 

And the thing was, Dan did remember That Phil liked to be touched and cuddled. When they were together, all those years back, he loved it when Dan gave him physical reassurance like that.  
But after they broke up, and went slowly but surely back to being just friends, Dan only demanded, but never gave anything back in return. 

And Phil gladly gave him everything he had to give, because he was Phil and he loved Dan and Dan took advantage of that, and he took it for granted and didn’t really offered any part of himself to Phil, because it was easier like that.

And no matter how much he would cry about it now, face buried in his pillow so he wouldn’t wake Phil and Eva up (she was staying in their apartment tonight yet again), he knew that he brought it on himself. 

Dan tried not to be in the apartment as much as he could. Because seeing Eva there, looking like she belonged, made him physically sick. And even when she wasn’t there, he couldn’t be around Phil. Because he knew that he belonged to someone else. 

It was no secret that Dan was the jealous type. When he and Phil were together it was a source for a lot of stress and fights. But now, what right did he had to be jealous? 

It was all too much. Too much. Too much. 

“I’m going out,” he said the third night in a row. 

Phil was alone tonight. Eva had some kind of project that she was working on and couldn’t make it. Or was it family visiting? Honestly, he couldn’t care less. 

“Again? I thought we could see a movie or something,” Phil said from the sofa, looking at him with disappointed eyes. 

“Sorry,” Dan murmured. 

“Where are you going anyway?” 

“Out.” 

“Dan.” Phil sounded like he was getting tired of him. Phil never used to get tired of him. 

That’s because he was in love with you. A voice in his head said. But guess what, he is not anymore. 

Dan could feel himself getting irrationally angry. 

“What, now that your girlfriend is not here suddenly you want my company?” Dan snapped. 

He really really didn’t want to have this conversation. But also, he kind of did. He knew that things couldn’t keep going the way they were, he knew they had to talk about it. 

And yeah, he was planning to have a nice, calm conversation with Phil about the way they both felt eventually, and he defiantly wasn’t planning to be rude to him when they have it. 

But, well, it was better than nothing. Probably. 

Phil stared at him in shock for a moment, and then his face closed off and his eyes looked more like ice than a blue sky in a warm day. 

“Are you serious right now Dan? Are you actually saying this to me?” Phil said, and even though his face was lacking emotion, he couldn’t stop his voice from trembling a little. 

“Well, it’s true,” Dan fired back, crossing his arms and looking at Phil pointedly, because he was a stubborn little shit, and even though he knew he should stop, and probably apologize, he couldn’t make himself do that. 

Phil let out a loud laugh. Not the ‘haha’ kind of laugh. The scary, mean one. 

“You are such a dick,” Phil said with so much venom that Dan visibly flinched. “You can’t handle me being happy, can you? Misery really does love company.” 

“You know it’s not true, you know I want you to be happy. This has nothing to do with that,” Dan said, a little less sure of himself now that he saw how angry Phil was. It was an unusual sight.

 

“Do I? Because from where I’m standing I don’t know anything. So please, enlighten me,” Phil said, standing up from the sofa and walking to stand in front of Dan. 

Dan was silent for a few moments, trying to think of what to say. 

“Whatever,” he spat eventually, walking away from Phil, making sure he took his keys and wallet before storming out of the apartment. Phil didn’t try to stop him. 

He couldn’t say to Phil what he had to say, because even he knew that nothing he felt in this moment was valid. Phil was right in a way, Dan didn’t want him to be happy. Not with someone else. And he wished that he was good enough of a friend to just be happy for Phil’s happiness, but he just wasn’t. 

Phil was supposed to be his. But somewhere along the way Dan managed to mess it up. To let the one person who always loved him no matter what give up on him. He loved to feel wanted but also free to do as he pleased, free from the judging eyes and the pressure that came with a relationship with Phil. He was greedy, and now he was paying the price. 

****************

He came back to the apartment a few hours later, drunk, after a bartender in the random bar he was in shoved him into a taxi. He felt awful. The room was spinning and he barely made it to the bathroom when he started throwing up. Even so, Phil didn’t come to help him. He wasn’t exactly quiet when he walked in their flat, and even though the lights were off, he knew Phil was probably lying awake in his bed. 

And that’s when he properly understood how much he screwed up. Because Phil was a good friend, the best, and he would never leave a drunk Dan to care for himself. 

Dan felt his eyes sting when he brushed his teeth after feeling that he was done puking. He drank some water straight from the sink in the bathroom, not having the will to go to the kitchen and get a glass like a functional human being.

He felt a little better physically, but while he sobered up, he felt a lot worst emotionally. 

He went to his room and changed his clothes and sat on his bed for a while, feeling tears spilling from his eyes onto his cheek. He had to see Phil. they had to fix it. He had to fix it. 

He couldn’t really remember the last fight they had. The last real one that is, not the domestic day to day arguments they had all the time. It was probably years back, when everything was weird and tense between them and Dan couldn’t take the pressure of everything falling apart. 

And even then, Phil was always carful, always logical, never wanting to step out of line and hurt Dan. Dan was the one to yell, to say mean and unnecessary things, to act childish like the child that he was. And Phil loved him, so he let him have his tantrums, and always held him after. Phil was afraid to lose him, so he watched what he said and he let Dan hurt him. And Dan knew he could do as he pleased but still have Phil’s forgiveness at the end of the day. 

It was the first time in their relationship that Dan wasn’t sure where he stood. It was the first time that he felt like his actions had consequences. That he could actually lose Phil. Because Phil wasn’t in love with him anymore, and he wasn’t going to blindly stay at Dan’s side. 

Dan stood from his bed and wiped his eyes. He walked quietly to Phil’s door and knocked. When he didn’t hear a response he opened the door and let himself in. 

“Phil?” he asked. 

Phil was awake. His breathing gave that right away. But he kept silences, ignoring Dan’s presence. 

Dan made his way to Phil’s bed and set down, facing Phil’s back. 

“Can we please talk?” he asked, voice pleading. 

Phil refuse to answer, staying quiet and curled up in himself. 

Dan took a deep breath and lowered himself on the bed, lying beside Phil. He hesitated for a moment, but then shuffled closer to him and wrapped his arms around Phil’s body, burying his head in the back of his neck. 

Phil’s body tensed in his arms but he didn’t push him away, which was a good start. 

“I’m sorry I was an ass. Please talk to me.” His voice was thick with emotion and he squeezed Phil’s body a little closer. 

They lay in silence for a few moments, Dan waiting for Phil to say something. 

“I don’t understand what you want from me,” Phil mumbled at last. “Do you want me to still wait for you? Do you want me being here, watching you fuck all this people, giving you all the emotional support you need, but never needing anything myself?” 

Dan felt his heart race in his chest. Phil’s voice was trembling and Dan could hear he was holding back tears. 

“I can’t do this anymore Dan. You can’t expect me to. I can’t keep being miserable for the rest of my life, hoping that if I’m patient enough, if I just love you hard enough, you would someday love me back.” 

They were both crying now, silent tears rolling down their cheeks. 

“But I do love you,” Dan managed to say into the back of Phil’s neck. 

Phil rolled in Dan’s arms to face him. His eyes were pink and wet and his face had a pained expression on it. 

“You don’t,” he said. 

“I do Phil, I really really do,” Dan stated, still holding Phil as close as he would let him. And he’s not sure why it took him so long to see just how much he loved Phil, but now, nothing was clearer than this, nothing was more important. 

All of a sudden his arms were pushed away and Phil sat up on the bed. He looked down at Dan, angry fat tears spilling out of his eyes. 

“No, you don’t.” he spat. 

“If you loved me, you wouldn’t treat me this way. If you loved me, you wouldn’t drag me along all those years, knowing fully how I felt about you.” he was raising his voice now and Dan felt scared. Scared that this time, there will be no forgiving him.

“You want me now because of this wired possessive thing you have over me. Because you want me to want you. That’s not love! That’s… that’s abuse.” 

Phil’s words hit Dan so hard that he felt like he physically got punched in the face. Even worst. He wished he got punched in the face. Anything would have been better than this. Because Phil was right. Dan did abuse the power he had over him. He did keep him near, using him for comfort and closeness and friendship, knowing full well how Phil felt. 

And the worst part was, that he knew he was doing it. He knew he was hurting him. But still, he couldn’t make a decision until it was too late. 

“I’m sorry,” he croaked, voice thick with tears. He wanted to reach out to Phil, to hug him and to be comforted by him. But he couldn’t. This time, no matter how much he wanted, he couldn’t ask Phil for comfort. 

“I’m sorry. I was really unfair to you, I know that. I got carried away with all this, and it was easy because you stayed near but didn’t demand anything from me. And before we broke up everything was so messed up between us, and I thought that it was better this way. But I do love you! I do I really do! And yeah, maybe it took me a while to see it, and I wouldn’t lie and say that it has nothing to do with you being with Eva, but it doesn’t mean I don’t really feel it!” 

He was yelling now, siting up as well, trying to get a grip over his voice and trying to get Phil to see his side of things. Because he was Phil, and Phil always understood. 

Phil looked at him, deflated. He didn’t look angry anymore. Just tired. 

“Why couldn’t you just let me be happy?” Phil asked, pleading. 

“I was starting to move on. Eva is great, and I like her. I really really like her. And she likes me too. And we have a healthy relationship. And you and I could have finally been normal friends, with no baggage, no power play.” He was having trouble getting his words out as well, voice cracking. 

“Why couldn’t you love me enough to let me be happy?” he whispered. He looked so done with this conversation, so done with Dan. 

Dan stared at him, feeling so lost and like the biggest dick ever because he did love Phil, but he was also so very selfish. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered back, not knowing what else he could say. 

“I wish… I wish I could change the past, but I can’t Phil. I wish I could make it better and-“ 

“Please, stop.” Phil interrupted, closing his eyes and putting his fingers against his temple, as if battling a headache. 

“I’m tired. I want to go to sleep. I’m supposed to meet Eva’s family tomorrow for lunch for the first time.” He opened his eyes, but didn’t look at Dan anymore, looking down at the duvet. 

Dan swallowed the lump in his throat. He got up from the bed, walked to the door and hesitated. 

“Good luck,” he murmured, walking out of the room and hearing Phil’s quite, “thanks,” On his way out. 

 

When Dan woke up the morning after, or, well, afternoon, he couldn’t find it in himself to get out of bed. The apartment was quiet and Phil probably was out meeting Eva’s family. 

All the things Phil said to him last night still ringed in his mind, making him feel choked up on guilt and emotion.

Last night when he tried to make himself fall asleep, he made a decision to be a better friend to Phil. He will put Phil’s happiness first, like he deserved. Because he did love him enough for this, enough not to be selfish. He was sure of it. And if Phil’s happiness included Eva, than he would make sure to never come in their way. Make sure to always support his friend. 

He needed to prove to himself, as much as to Phil, that he could put someone else’s feelings first for a change. 

But that didn’t mean that the feeling of losing Phil didn’t hurt. 

His throat was dry and his head was pounding. He kind of felt like the hangover was a well-deserved punishment for the way he acted. 

Still, he got out of bed, made his way to the kitchen and drank two glasses of water and swallowed a painkiller, before making his way back to his room and crawling again between the sheets. 

Because there was nothing much for him to do except think about Phil and wallow in self-pity.

 

He didn’t realize he fell asleep until his eyes were opening up to the feeling of his mattress dipping. Someone was sitting on it for a moment, and Dan kept quiet, waiting to see what was going to happen next. 

And then there was a body lying down beside him, and a head with a mop of black hair making his way to his chest and burying himself in the fabric of his shirt. 

Dan, confused and afraid to scare Phil away, didn’t move a muscle. His heart was pounding in his chest and he was sure Phil could feel it.

They were quite for some time, Dan holding his breath and waiting for Phil to say something. 

“I broke up with her.” He said eventually, and Dan’s heart started going even faster. 

“You ruined everything. Again.” He could feel Phil’s fingernails dig into his skin through his T-shirt, but the wetness that started to gather in Dan’s eyes had nothing to do with the pain. 

“I just… I hate you,” Phil said pushing his face even more into Dan’s chest. 

“I hate you I hate you I hate you,” he kept saying like a mantra. Like it would change the fact that he loved Dan. 

Dan couldn’t hold himself back anymore. He lifted his arms and wrapped them around Phil’s body, pulling him closer against himself and burying his face in his hair. 

“I love you,” he said, squeezing Phil as tight as he could. 

“You don’t,” Phil mumbled. 

“I do.” 

“No you don’t. Now that I’m single again you wouldn’t want me anymore.” Phil said. He didn’t sound angry, just bitter. 

“I do. I really really love you. So very much. There is nothing I want more then you. There is nothing I want more then to be yours.”

Dan tried to get across just how serious he was. He didn’t think he was going to get that chance again, but now, he couldn’t stop himself from being hopeful. Maybe if Phil would forgive him this one last time, he could prove to him how sincere he was. He wouldn’t test Phil’s patients again. 

Phil was quite for a few moments. Dan held his breath, but didn’t dare to say anything more, afraid to push it too far. 

“I…This is your last chance Dan. I’m serious. I can’t handle this heartbreak again.” Phil said and Dan was sure he was dreaming because it sounded like Phil was going to take him back. 

“I’m giving myself to you for the last time. Please please don’t make me regret it.” 

Phil’s voice was choked up on tears, and Dan’s eyes just reached a critical mass and started spilling onto his cheeks. He buried his nose into Phil’s head and kissed it over and over again, holding him close and feeling Phil’s hands let go of his shirt and wrapping themselves around his body as well. 

“I won’t. I promise. I would do anything to make sure you’re happy. I'll take care of you. I won’t let you regret this. I love you so much.” Dan was rambling, but he couldn’t care less. He had Phil in his arms, giving himself to Dan, giving him another chance. Nothing could make him happier. 

“I love you too.” 

Well, maybe that.

**Author's Note:**

> okay... I'm starting to think that I can't really write short things haha
> 
> hope you enjoyed it! please please send me your thoughts as I am a hungry writer and your comments are my food.  
> and follow me on tumblr ( phantasticlizzy )


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